'True' Malayalee Woman

Often people have asked me, whether I was born and brought up in Kerala, (a southern state in India) or somewhere else, because according to them, I am different from all the other girls whom they ever met or heard about. That I do not exhibit feminine qualities and they even wonder whether I am a 'true' malayalee woman or not.. Some of them have even accused me of being born in the wrong gender..

So I started to think what are the qualities of a 'true' malayalee woman... Why am I considered as an outcaste and more over a disgrace to the womanhood?? One of my guy friends once told me that.. (like.. almost 10 years ago) "a 'true' malayalee woman is someone that you are not or refuse to be ... so whatever qualities/ characteristics that you think doesn't belong to you or care not to possess or have the opinion that they are bad and find difficult to accept... that is something that a 'true' malayalee woman should have or atleast want / try to have"....


So I started thinking... what are these 'qualities' or traits, that a 'true' malayalee woman should have or is supposed to have and maintain all through her life... that if for some or no reason she is not interested in these things which malayalees call 'qualities' , questions shall arise on her being a woman ...

So I made a list of things that I am not interested in, 'qualities' /characteristics that I do not have or don't want to have, things that I never do, or say or accept and lots more.. Apparently these are the eligibility criteria for being a 'true' malayalee woman.. so if you are a malayalee woman.. just check if you possess these 'qualities' ... if not, you will also be considered as someone who is only a woman because of her physical and biological attributes, but not otherwise...


so here goes.... ahem.. you might want to take notes...

A 'true' malayalee woman (TMW) is someone who(se) [(is) (always)],

- has long, thick, black lustrous hair or is dying to have it.. (she secretly envies those with long hair and asks them what do they do, inorder to maintain it and accuses them [secretly, of course] for not telling her the truth...because they don't want her to have hair like theirs...)

- wears make-up/ interested in cosmetics or atleast she applies some sort of powder to her face..
- loves loves loves..wait... let me rephrase that... obsessed with gold... yeah..that's right.. she is absolutely crazy about gold... she knows almost all the famous jewellery stores in the city/state... she wears gold all the time.. even whe she goes to sleep... she simply can't live without it.. she doesn't mind spending too much money for it... and if you are planning to give her some gift..let it be something in gold..... she can't imagine a life without it... her greatest achievement in life depends on the fact that how much gold ornaments she has... (this goes for other types of jewellery, but malayalee women are so crazy about gold... I have no idea why)...

- loves to wear saree and yearns someone to compliment her on that.. she votes to wear them all the time, if not, atleast for making it a compulsory dress code at work place and educational institutions... she has a wide knowledge on different types of sarees and their importance and if someone, is feeling uncomfortable in it... she just doesn't understand it... she also has a wardrobe full of them.. and continues to buy them even though she has a cupboard full of never worn sarees....

- very conscious the way she looks, or how should she look infront of others... one of the (other) important thing in her life is to look beautiful and fair ( malayalees have this thing for fair complexioned girls, they have more demand in the marriage market rather than a not so fair/dark complexioned girls)... so she tries her best to look good and get complimented in whichever way possible...she takes a lot of time to get ready... and justifies it by saying she is a woman....

-loves to pluck flowers and buys it from the market... she believes that if she wears them on her hair, she will be as beautiful as a flower.. TMW even has superstitions based on a particular type of flower that they wear in their 'long lustrous' hair and how long will it take the flower to wear out or burn out... so that what kind of a mother-in-law they will have !!!!

- visits religious places such as temple or church once in a week or atleast once in a month... is involved in fasting and festivals... looks forward to go to temple every once in a while... because according to her, "the temple is where the GOD lives, so unless you go to the temple, how can you see GOD".... and most importantly, all the senior TMW comes to the temple on this particular time of the week.. if they don't see her there, she is bound to be expelled from the 'true' malayalee  women sorority....not to mention the way she dresses when she goes to temple...

- cares about what other people think about her... that's right.. her whole life/ character/ likes, dislikes/ interests, hobbies/ profession/way of thinking/dressing and everything else is based on how would other people think about it...

- quits singing, dancing, working out or any other good things that she used to do, if her man doesn't want her to... or she prefers to do so after getting engaged or married... because she only learned music, dancing or stayed slim to impress a man... (once I overheard two 'true' married malayalee women talking, the conversation went something like this,

TMMW 1:- " I used to be slim before I got married.. now I have gained so much weight, my old friends don't even recognise me anymore... they are surprised to see me like this.. and it has only been a year since I got married, may be I should do something about my overweight"...
TMMW2:- "What is the use now?? You got married..didn't you ?? what is the point in working out after you get married??"..
TMMW1:- "You're right... that's what I thought too".... ) !!!!! (trust me.. I am not making this up ....these women were not even 25 years old...)


- not interested in having a career..not serious about it... she only took those degrees ...because men like educated women... so when planning to get married she will have more demand in the 'marriage market' than others, because of her education... she may have a job... but that's just for her to pass the time when her man is not around... her job is never a part of her identity...she is not the main provider of the house... she is there to spent the money...... not to earn it for the family... money wise... she is the taker... for everything else... she is the giver... or that is what she claims to be...

-uses crying as her most deadliest weapons.. nobody has ever survived it...

-tries to take credit for other people's (especially ordinary women's) ideas and hardwork.. and she wins everytime in doing it.....

- never , and I mean never reacts or responds when a man tries to take advantage of her... that is, in a bus or in public places, or at work place, or anywhere... if a man tries to molest her, tease her, harass her, or tell dirty double meaning jokes to her... she will not react or show discomfort as she is a TMW and a TMW is expected to either ignore or tolerate anything and everything and is supposed to suffer in silence... if she chooses to react or respond or show discomfort even in the most slightest way... all the other TMW will disown her and will consider her as an outcaste... because she is the one who can't take a joke as a joke and also thinks herself as something special that if somebody touches her, she will melt right away, "ഒന്നു തൊട്ടാല്‍ അങ്ങ് ഉരുകി പോകുവോ !!!!".... she will become a disgrace to womanhood...that is, if she chose to react.. so inorder to protect her 'true' malayalee woman status... she will not respond to these kind of atrocities...

-concepts such as individuality, independence, freedom, feminism, equality, liberation and revolution are alien to her...


- anti feminist, pro sexist, pro dowry system

- lives in fear.. fear on what other people will think about her...fear is what dictates her life...

- so concerned about being socially accepted... will do anything for that...

-very good brainwasher....

-wants/expects special treatment from men / society / government, because she is a woman....

- very shallow and narrow minded... for her what is on the surface is what really matters...

- very religious / community conscious... has a very special affinity towards her own community and considers all the other religion / community is below her own religion / community.

-prefers to identify and address people on the basis of their caste / community... if you know a TMW she would have definitely asked you , which community of caste do you belong in? and if you are of the same community like her.. you guys will share a special friendship.

-conservative in her thoughts, words and deeds.

- wouldn't support her colleague/ or a stranger woman in time of need... for ex:- its a known fact that in Kerala that women are teased by men on the public transportations and in public places... everybody expects women to go along with it and not to react to it.. because it is a man's right to treat women as an object.. so he is simply doing his duty... if you are a woman, and if you are travelling in one of the (transport) buses in Kerala, and you are being teased by a man, and you react to it.. all the other (TM) women will start staring at you.. as in "what is her problem?... I am sitting/standing right here.. and he is not doing anything to me... how come he does something to her... I am more fleshy than she is.... she is lying.. definitely lying... LIAR"... or even if they know you are not lying... they prefer not to support you.. because as they are a TMW and a TMW will never react and always lives in fear...and don't want to be associated with ordinary type of women.. because ordinary type of women can't be considered as women... Same thing at the work place... if a male colleague attempts to be sexually funny to a female colleague and she reacts to it.. all her female colleagues will start treating her like, " ഓ... അവളൊരു ശീലാവതി ..."... basically.. they are just afraid to put up a visible fight... did I mention, fear dictates a TMW's life....

- recognises herself only as a woman, not as a human being, a person or an individual... and hates or feels threatened by individualistic ordinary women....(like me...)

- her body is more important than her brain, mind or soul... she is always conscious of her body and so afraid of it.. for a TMW the most important thing in her life is her virginity... if that is lost, then everything is lost... people can take advantage of her by taking her semi nude pics with/ without her knowledge- which has now become a favourite pass time in Kerala - and then blackmail her using those pics... it always works..

-not interested in intellectual conversations...frankly, because she won't be able to put anything on the plate...

-lacks self-knowledge... but always tries to figure out about others' personality....

- prude or atleast pretend to be...

-considers society as her personal GOD... so whatever her society wants her to do it... she will do it...

- can't keep a secret... just can't keep a secret...if she knows a secret, then it is not a secret anymore... and you can guarantee on that...

- loves to shop.. mostly on other people's money... she can't go into a shop and come out without buying anything from there....she will spend hours or a whole day shopping... she loves it...enjoys it... its her favourite past time...

- can talk hours and hours on sarees and jewellery.. that is her favourite conversation topic...

- enjoys watching mega serials... she wouldn't miss it for the world... sympathesizes/ empathesizes with the characters... and discuss it with family/ friends/ colleagues...

- loves children.. wants to have them...dreams on raising a child just like her...never misses to visit a friend /relative who just had a baby.... she also wants to hear them say to her, "ഇപ്പോഴേ എടുത്തു പഠിച്ചോ ... അല്ലെങ്ങില്‍ സമയം ആവുമ്പോള്‍ വിഷമിക്കും"........because having a child is one way to get socially accepted... and apparently, it is every TW's dream !!!

- believes that the greatest milestone in a woman's life is getting married and having children... everything else doesn't matter at all...

- her ultimate goal in life is to be desirable for men... they should find her attractive (to get married or want to have sex with)...or else she is worthless... a TMW's greatest fear is not being able to get married and living a single life.... and people saying about her, "അവളൊരു കെട്ടാ മങ്കയാ ..."... being raped or catching cancer are not even in the top 10.... did I mention... getting married is the important thing in a 'true' malayalee woman's life... otherwise she is a waste and there is no point in her being alive...

- yearns for love, admiration, attention, compliment, appreciation, approval, care, understanding and support from men...(any man)... because that is the ultimate aim of her being born in this world...she wants her whole life revolving on some guy... any guy...

- never argues.. whatever others say she will agree to it... unless if she is talking to ordinary women and not to other 'true' mallu women or to men....

- never questions authority... authority loves her...because she is a kiss ass...

- pries, gives out suggestions, makes comments, states an opinion on others personal matters... not because she cares about them... but because she wants to be taken importantly and seriously.... as in "other people should care what I think about them"... 

-likes depending on others.. because that is how GOD (by that, she means, society) intended it to be... women should be a dependent.. especially on men... then who is she to be a self-reliant person.. she even advises the independent ordinary women to cut the act and start depending on some man.... otherwise you will never be a TMW..... and will end up all alone...

- doesn't have a mind of her own... she depends on others for decision making... most of her life's important decisions were made by others... she has left thinking and decision making to others...

- wants everybody to like her and say good things about her both infront of her and behind her back.. can't imagine the thought of somebody not liking or worst.. hating her.... if she finds out somebody doesn't like her.. she will find a way to make them like her... because she cares too much about what other people think about her.... did I mention her life depends on it....

-doesn't have the courage to stand up for herself... and envies those woman who can....

-doesn't like change... is an ardent fan of tradition and follows it by the book... and if there is a book on traditions... she will be the author... that's how much she is into tradition....

- loves to gossip and spread rumors about the people she knows in real life and is an expert in backstabbing and pretending it was an accident...

- green with jealousy... she doesn't like women beautiful than her, fairer than her, whose hair is longer than hers, who has more jewellery than she does, who has nice dresses (sarees) than hers, who is been complimented or appreciated infront of her, most importantly, if men tend to give attention and compliment to some other woman instead of her and infront of her... she will just die with jealousy....

-never fails to notice what other women are wearing... never mind the occasion... if she likes it....she will ask you where did you buy it from.. even if both of you are attending someone's funeral....

- extremely coy... and insults those who are not....

-doesn't believe in the freedom of speech and expression... according to her.. "women shouldn't be allowed any freedom.. if they need something they should ask men... don't even think of changing the traditional sex roles.. this is how GOD (ak.a. society) wanted it to be"... besides.. men know everything there is to know about anything... right!!!

- a follower never a leader... because following is easy.. leading is not ...

-talks down on people smarter than her... for ex:- if you are a woman working with a 'true' malayalee woman.. and you are skilled and talented in your job.. she will accuse you of sucking up to the boss or taking advantage of your looks (i.e., if you are better looking than she is, then its not her talking, her jealousy is), and that is how you are getting a better evaluation than hers, not because you are good in what you do... and she says this in the most polite, friendly and you not being able to answer back way...

- never talks about her love/sex life... before marriage she wouldn't have either.. if she does.. then she better marry the guy.. or else.. she is not a TMW...

- ready to lose her 'self' to some random guy... all he has to do is to call on her mobile on a daily basis and tell her how beautiful she is and how different she is from all the other women he has ever met...gives her miscalls now and then... send her cute love messages... and tell her that he would like to marry her and can't think a life without her... well...that's it...everything is settled then.. she is all set to get married.. even if she hasn't met the guy.. or doesn't know anything about him... 

- judges others.. has a prejudist opinion on everything and everyone... how could she not have one?? after all... she is a 'true' malayalee women....

- believes that household chores are women's thing to do... do not involve 'poor' men to do this.. its a woman's job.. it has been since the beginning... and it will be like this till the end of time... she even finds delight in washing her husband's dirty underwear with her own bare hands and brags about it to her friends... she wouldn't even allow her husband to dry his own hair.. she will do it for him.. for she is a TMW... she hates those women who makes their husbands to share the household work... how rude and insensitive of them !!!

- goes to every single wedding/party she is invited to.. eventhough it is from someone she hardly knows... (yes..keralites invites their bus-stop mates and the distant relatives of some friend they had when they were in the 5th grade for their wedding !!! because otherwise those people might think something really bad about them !!!!) ... she uses this chance to show off her new jewellery set, expensive saree, how good she looks and to boast her personal achievements...(like her husband got promoted..or something like that)....

- supports men... because she needs man's approval.. that is the most important goal in her life... "being approved by a man".. she is ready to change head to toe for him... if she finds it appealing to men.. she will disown all her clothes.. and starts wearing saree even at home, because men like to see women in saree... she will grow her hair long (if she can)... because that's how men like it... if the man she is interested in, doesn't like women growing nails on their hands.. she will cut them right off...if he.. well... you got the point... for her.. its always about how men would like to see her... she will kill for a glance from them...

- blushes and plays with her hair, everytime when she realises that some guy has been noticing her for a while... and she will start dreaming about having a life with him and what school would their kids go to... this guy might be someone chained to a sex racket... but that doesn't matter... if he loves her and if she loves him... she can change him and make him a better man.. a much better man.. for as she is a 'true' malayalee woman....

- believes anything and everything (her) man tells her...if he tells her, her best friend is interested in him in a not so good way... she will believe him... if he tells her, that he hasn't been with any other woman but her... she will believe him.. if he tells her, that she is the most beautiful woman in the whole world and he loves her (this goes for any man).... she will believe him... because she chose to believe him... if he tells her not to be associated with ordinary women, because they will corrupt her with illogical and unreasonable thoughts.. (like individuality, feminism etc) she will believe and obey him....on the contrary.. if an ordinary woman comes up to her and tells her that her husband or prospective husband has made a pass at her or is not a nice guy... she will refuse to believe her....(even if ..she has known this woman for a longtime)... for she is a TMW... and a TMW always (chose to) believe men.... ("how dare of you ordinary woman...accusing my man on something that cheap... he will never..ever.. look at another woman when I am alive !!! you whore !! you are just jealous" !!!) .. she will start rumours about this particular woman and tries to isolate her from their usual crowd... and makes everybody hate the ordinary woman... because she (the ordinary woman) is after the TMW's man....

- after marriage, she stops her friendship with her guy friends... because... her husband doesn't like her to talk to other men... if she feels her husband feels uncomfortable ... she is even ready to stop talking to her own father....

- gives importance to her in-laws than her own parents and siblings...

- doesn't like to compliment other women... and if by chance.. if she does compliment them on something... it is just to show others, that she is capable of doing so... and she is someone who is free from one of the seven deadily sins... ENVY !!!!

- gets easily embarassed... because she cares toooo much on what other people will think about her...

- doesn't have any compassion towards her fellow beings... like.... homeless people, beggars, orphans, sex workers, homosexuals, less fortunates/poor people, sick people, senior citizens/ old people, ordinary women etc.

- very naive, gullible and vulnerable...

- believes in formality, not a fan of genuinity....

-hates to be proved wrong...

-believes that women are the weaker sex and wants it to remain like that forever... because that is how GOD (a.k.a society) wants it to be....

- her identity lies on the fact that whether she is married, and  whom she is married to.... otherwise .. she is considered as an oridnary woman...not a 'true' woman... for ‘'true' woman is someone who wants to get married, since she was 8 years old.....

-doesn't have a clue on what is going on in the world... because... what does that have to do with her..anyways !!! പൊട്ടകിണറ്റിൽ  കിടക്കുന്ന തവള ....

- never fails to fall for flattery... if you want a TMW to do something for you and wants her to fall for you.. all you have to do is praise her unnecessary... it always works... she is a sucker for flattery...

- believes that she can get away with things with either by crying or flattering....

- passive aggressive

-boasts on people, things, accomplishments and events related to her... (പൊങ്ങച്ചം പറച്ചില്‍)

- an emotional fool... mixes emotions with everything and anything... that's her secret ingredient...

- attempts to justify herself to others.. because .... you know... she cares about what other people think about her... and she wants others to think and say good things about her...

- concerned about caste/community.. has special affinity towards her own caste/community.. thinks, speaks and acts as if all the other caste/community is lower than hers... has a tendency to ask for others caste/community and makes fun of them behind their back...

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Well... these are the things that came to my mind now... 

These are the 'qualities' which a malayalee woman should have or atleast want to have... or else she is not a 'true' malayalee woman... she is just an ordinary woman.. which according to the malayalee society is very bad... they don't accept an ordinary woman...they are only considered as a woman because of their physical and biological attributes.... the malayalee society just can't understand why ordinary women don't want to be a 'true' malayalee woman by acquiring the above mentioned 'qualities'... they will force the ordinary woman to become a 'true' malayalee woman by advising, compelling, insulting and ignoring... one of these tactics has to work... and guess what.. sometimes it does work.. otherwise you have to leave ..... 

So if you are a malayalee woman... check if you possess these qualities.. if not... then you are in BIG trouble...

You have to fit into their frame... if you even think of getting out of the frame.. because you didn't belong there.. then you don't belong anywhere... you have to get out... it's like either live their way or don't live at all....

So what do you say, malayalee women... are you a 'true' malayalee woman or just an ordinary woman like me????