I think I am changing... my attitude, my character, my outlook, my demands, my needs and everything else is changing... maybe because I have finally reached a stage where I realise that I can't have the things I want... it is easy to say what you want..but earning it is an entirely different thing...
I have always wondered... what would have happened to me if I had taken a different path.. a different choice... a different turn.. what would my life will be now??
I am really tired these days.. it is not only tiredness.. I am bored, frustrated, disappointed, disgusted, irritated, annoyed and all those other bad things that one could think of.
I am sleeping a lot... which I am not supposed to.. because of the kind of work I have to do.. but I love to sleep, because of these amazing dreams I have..I have always been awed by my dreams... they have these amazing continuity and structure...its like watching a movie or something...
The best part is... all my story ideas happen in my dreams.. not only that .... all the wonderful ideas I had so far happened in my dreams... the dreams that I see when I sleep in the afternoon...I call it my 'idea nap'... after the afternoon nap.. I will have atleast three story threads at hand...
But my night sleeps.. the real ones a human being has to take.. are so alive and exciting... it always reminds me of my past... my ornamental teenage years.. which I need to forget ...but the ones which I never want to....
Yesterday... (I really cant call it yesterday..as I went to sleep today at 3am).. I saw Him in my sleep... as always.. standing where He usually stands.. He was going inside His house... He looked old.. there were traces of greyness in his hair... and he also had a thick moustache.. of which He seemed so proud of... I thought He will shut the door like He always does.. He has this amazing way of breaking my heart.. of which He is an expert... to my surprise.. He didnt.. He came out and he looked at me and he smiled at me.. eventhough I was sleeping at that time..I could feel my heart beat.. He came a little further and waved his hand towards me... finally, after all these years He acknowledged my presence, my existence...my being infront of him... I smiled back at him with gratitude.. I was asking for forgiveness through my eyes... for leaving Him, for leaving us, everything we had... to chase my dreams...I was selfish.. I was prudent... I was afraid of losing... but what I never realised was I already lost the best thing that has ever happened to me...He never said a word.. He maintained his silence throughout the years.. now I realise.. the reason why he always shut the door whenever he saw me.. was because he knew what was going to happen between us.. he knew the whole time.. he just wanted me to realise it by myself...
Everyone has moved on..including Him...what about me?? I was the one who left..without even giving an explanation..but it seems like.. I stayed behind.. with my memories and my dreams... which I believe will stay with me for as long as I live...because the only way I can see Him ever again.. is in my memories which are so vague and foggy...and in my amazing dreams...
